books · features · shanti

Curses for the Booklover

Sometimes I wish I was magical and could lay curses on people. Not, like, deadly curses. But just enough ones so that it’s really annoying. (this was a feature in a book I read in the last five months but I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS BUT IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT PLEASE TELL ME THE TITLE). Anyway, if the person who you want to curse is a reader, here are some gentle suggestions. And if anything like this has happened to you recently, you might want to think about who would have a reason to curse you.

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  • The Book Slump Curse

This is a pretty basic one. Chant ‘you won’t finish any books/and no new ones will take your fancy/the book slump has its hooks in you’ five times while balancing a book on your head and sitting in a library.

  • The Character Names Sound the Same and You Won’t Remember Who is Who Curse

Make a broth of ink and willow tree leaves, and pour a ladle of it out at all of the cardinal directions around where the reader lives, starting with East, then North, and so on. They won’t remember the character names and will be confused and it will seriously detract from their experience of the book. Mwahahaha.

  • The Stress Induced by Getting Too Many Books From the Library and/or Publishers

Rip up a calendar and write YOU HAVE TO READ OR ELSE YOU WILL LET EVERYONE DOWN on the scraps of paper. Then find the readers TBR (or e-reader case) and slip the paper in between the pages. Guaranteed 100% success rate.

  • The Wait Is This a Sequel Curse

Open goodreads on your device of choice, then shake your device gently, humming the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song and pausing every three minutes to mutter you can’t tell if it’s a sequel or not. After fifteen minutes, the information about whether the book in question is a sequel or not will disappear from Goodreads. Note: it will disappear for both you and the person you’re trying to curse, so make sure that you don’t get hurt by the curse. Note 2: You must be friends (on Goodreads) with the cursee for this to work.

  • the There Are A Lot of Books in the World curse

This curse works by overwhelming the reader with how many books they’ll never be able to read. This is most effectively caused by leading them to a library, or a bookshop, but can also be achived by recommending them books in oblique ways. I recommend writing book titles in the sky with a plane, leaving slips of paper with authors written on them in the bookworms shoes, or writing a ‘found this awesome publisher/imprint with books you’d like’ text on the hour. This is a very kind curse, but remember that the agony of indecision will cause the cursed person to writhe in agony on the floor. The curse will only be effective if you run your finger along your bookshelves (or scroll the ebooks on your e-reading device) while humming their favourite song.

  • the reading is not enough curse

do you really want to inflict some next level punishment on someone, what you need to do is find a book that has heavy fandom attached to it (six of crows, Simon vs., SJMaas, Illuminae, whatever you can think of), and get them to read it, then slowly–ever so slowly–lower them into the seething pot of fandom. Send screenshots of fan posts to them! mention the book in every conversation! Find fanart and buy it and give it to them. whatever you can think of (it is easiest to do this if you are also obsessed so that someone can share the intensity of your suffering) to pull them into the whirlpool of fandom. Chances are that they will stagger out three to five years later, emotionally bruised but forever your frenemy.

What are some bookworm curses that you’ve had to face? and have you encountered these ones? tell me about it in the comments!

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Curses for the Booklover

  1. Ha, ha, so much pain! I have indeed been afflicted by several of these curses. I have also inflicted some of them…
    Another curse I have experienced is finding out they are making a movie of my favourite books and simultaneously being in anguish from excitement and terror.
    Great post!

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  2. These are THE MOST EVIL CURSES EVER. Like forget all the ones in Harry Potter, these are actually terrible. *cries just thinking about the last one* I also feel like I might’ve been hit by a book witch or something because I pretty much suffer these all the time.😂😂

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  3. This was so cute, Shanti! And oh no I’ve definitely been hit now and again with the There Are A Lot of Books in the World curse D: That’s why I’d love to be immortal, time enough for almost all the books.

    Ohh, one curse I thought of is the Curse of the Deckle Edge (yes lol I had to look it up). It’s a pet peeve of mine when books have the rough cut/different length edges; I find it hard to open to the right page haha, so maybe the curse could turn that difficulty up to 11.

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