Advice for Characters

Hello people! I am currently rather happy because I finally have break from school. I tried to write an interesting discussion post about religion (which I will finish eventually), but I got distracted. And I’ve already posted two reviews this week so I need to switch it up. So today, I’m writing a post about all the advice I always want to scream at book characters. (and there won’t be spoilers) (and links go to my review or goodreads)(and movie characters. Trust me, I love watching movies with other people, but they don’t feel the same way. Don’t ask me about Dolphin Tale (or do. I used my super skills to predict the entire plot correctly, including the timing of montages)) (expect sarcasm) ( I really like parentheses, okay)


character adviceGreen Valentine: No, Astrid, it is NOT a good idea to keep your identity secret. There will be trouble. And HEARTBREAK. Trust me. I’ve seen this happen a million times before. It’s like Romeo and Juliet, but only your soul dies. Or maybe like Pride and Prejudice, because you’ll both hate each other. Don’t do it. Noooooooo.

Rose Daughter: Please, Father. Don’t take the object from the enchanted place. You will regret it. IT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE. Fairytales are there to teach you something.

Sever: *sarcasm voice* Yes, Rhine, approach the terrorists, that’s a GREAT idea.

The Importance of Being Earnest: Okay, Gwendolen, I have an idea. Why don’t you leave the discussion of agricultural depression to people who know what agricultural depression is, and talk about something ladylike. Muffins, for example, are a truly excellent conversation topic.

Solitaire: Tori, you are a great person. You’re intelligent, thoughtful, and have friends. Don’t waste your life on tumblr. Don’t moan about things. Get out and do something. Yes, I will force you if I have to. Please. Use your brain to solve this problem instead of staring stupidly at your laptop.

When We Wake: Tegan, my friend, you have just landed in a new century. I know things look fishy, but why don’t you give it two more months. Two more months to settle in a make friends before you investigate the military responsible for your life. I know human lives are in the balance- but could you just take it easy. And be polite to reporters for goodness sake.

Emmy and Oliver: Go easy on your parents, Emmy. Maybe you should only bring up one of the things that you’ve been hiding for them at a time. It’s a shock to their systems- you said it yourself. Be gentle: parents are people too.

Blue Lily, Lily Blue: *sarcasm voice* Go and explore the cursed cave, then. I’m sure nothing bad will happen to you. I’m sure none of the wrong sleepers will be woken. I’m sure that there are no hornets whatsoever.

Madame Tussaud: MARRY [spoiler] But seriously, it will be way better for you. Independent women are allowed to love.

The One: It is a truth universally acknowledged that keeping important secrets often causes the destruction of relationships.

A Ring of Endless Light: I think we can all agree that three boys is too many boys. (to be leading on at least)

Dance of Shadows: How about NOT going to the ballet school where your sister died due to mysterious unknown forces and instead lodging a police complaint?

So what did you think? Who would you advise? And have you read any of these? Are parentheses the best thing ever? ( Full disclaimer: I really enjoyed some of these books.) Be sarcastic in the comments!

14 thoughts on “Advice for Characters

  1. Lol, I haven’t read any of these, but I love your advice. Sounds like book characters could use someone like you as their wise, old mentor or something. 😉



    1. I could be that grandmother, who always gives advice that the characters brazenly ignore. Sometimes characters are really stupid. Whenever I watch movies, i have to watch them with my sister, because we do this the entire time, but no one else likes it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. DAMMIt I’M SO BEHIND ON BOOKS. I’ve only read….one of these. *bangs head against desk* Shame on you, Nirvana. I loved your sarcasm, though. You could rule the world with your snark XD Hmm, as for a list, I’d say:
    Teardrop: No, really. You can’t fall in love with a boy after your known him for a week. A WEEK. A little more than that anyway, buuut really girl? -.- Please don’t start dropping L bombs faster than you can breathe.
    Paperweight: Stevie. Please. CAN I GIVE YOU A HUG? *sniffles*
    A Thousand Splendid Suns: Can it get worse than–…OH RIGHT. Okay. You love proving me wrong each time.


    1. It’s good you’ve read one though, right? Yes, ruling the world with snark would be pretty fun XD. “You can’t marry a man you’ve just met” (what most Disney heroines DO NOT REALISE) Instalove is seriously bothersome. I haven’t read any of the books you mention but I know enough about to totally agree. (Then again, if characters had awesome advisors like us around, there would be less plot in books. But still


  3. Haha, this is hilarious–I’ve only read one of the books (I KNOW. SHAME.) but I’ve read enough reviews to know the overall storylines of Green Valentine and Emmy and Oliver. (the whole Raven Cycle series is still a mystery to me though) (I really like parentheses too)
    My advice
    America: just choose one and live HEA or whatever, dammit, you could have compressed all that drama into one book.
    Celaena: conceal, don’t feel, put on a show, make one wrong move and everyone will know
    Dr. Erland: just tell Cinder everything to keep things easier, will you??
    Harry: listen to Hermione.
    Ron: listen to Hermione.
    Hagrid: you, too, listen to Hermione.
    Basically everyone: just. freaking. communicate.
    and for comedy purpose,
    Voldy: ever heard of Nokia 3310?


    1. (Parentheses are totally the best)
      Yes to all that advice. (though I fear the the Harry Potter books would have much less plot if everyone listened to Hermione) It irks me so much when characters don’t tell each other important things, oh my goodness. I’ve heard that one about Nokia Horcruxes before. Voldemort was too much of a pureblood supremacist to really consider muggle objects, and that was his downfall 🙂


  4. Like Cait, I am also slightly upset that I’ve read so few of these books (only one, *le sigh*). And here I considered myself a somewhat well-read person. I do like your Blue Lily, Lily Blue one, because of course. (If I was Gansey, I’d have an epipen on me at all times, no matter what.)

    What would your advice be to the characters of The Book Thief? Because there’d be a lot of things I’d say to them if I could. (I’d tell Liesel to suck it up and kiss Rudy already. You’re in the middle of a world war, girl, don’t take life for granted.)


    1. Well at least you’ve read one of these, right? There was a large variety. I’m almost at the end of Blue Lily, Lily blue, and my goodness, I have some more words for the characters. Calla: yelling isn’t always an appropriate solution. Noah: Don’t disappear when you’re needed. Adam: try to see it from their point of view.
      I was a silly cucumber and put the Book Thief in the photo without putting on the list (I think it was on the list in my imagination) even though I have some other books on here *shakes head at stupidity* That’s definitely good advice for Liesel. Kissing dead people is gross. I’d also say that she should maybe steal more books, seeing as she calls herself a book thief. And I’d tell Death to lighten up. He’s very self deprecating. Or if he couldn’t do that, to just pretend, so that he doesn’t break his readers hearts.


  5. Omg, I am horrifiedly ashamed that I’D ONLY READ 2 OF THESE BOOKS. OMG. FAIL, CAIT, FAIL. XD But I giggled at Blue Lily because…yes. ugh. Go into the creepy cave. Like what could possibly go wrong anyway? And why doesn’t Gansey walk around with an epipen like glued to his face for emergencies? Gee. Precautions!? TAKE THEM PLEASE. And yes yes to Emmy and Oliver. XD Basically this post = gold.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thanks Cait 🙂 I try to do a spread of books- at least you’ve read some of them, right. I just got past that part in BLLB, and it was *okay* I don’t like creepiness. If I was that allergic, I would do that too. I guess he’s denying his own mortality? Or something…


    1. Yes, nothing drastic happens (if you don’t count the handbag) but it is hilarious. Well, if you pretend that they’re real people it’s still pretty funny. I wrote this thinking about my friends and what I say to them, so I’m glad you enjoyed it!


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